You know God is speaking when two probably unrelated teachers of the Word speak the same message in different times, but you end up watching them at the same time. I recently watched a similar series by a Pastor called Andy Stanley, and it changed my life so drastically, so Finders Keepers for me was confirmation to continue on my commitment to take the year off and sort out pending issues.
I was sexually abused as a child, repeatedly, by people I am related to (present tense, yes). From then onwards, I was changed. I felt I no longer had something ‘precious’ to hold onto because it had been taken from me. I waited until 21 to have sex, and even then, that person reminded me of my invisible scars when he said ‘You are not even a virgin because you didn’t bleed that much’. I cried for a week, torn beyond imagination. After we broke up 3 years later (yes, I stayed with him after that statement), I slept with another man just to get over this first one (I am ashamed to say I believed, from Sex and the City, that the only way to get over a close ‘relationship’ was to sleep with another man). I hurt this second person because he could not understand why I just ‘dumped’ him without another word.
Being a christian all this time, and not knowing where to turn to, I buried all this inside me and dug deep into church ministry. But years later, I was back in the cycle, and it did not end well at all. I wanted someone to touch me differently, and take away the feeling I could still feel on my skin…of the abusers touching me and violating me. I wanted someone to touch these vile feelings away, but every time, it became worse. I didnt want to talk to God about it, because I was angry, I felt He had let me down because He had not protected me when I was an innocent child being carried off into the dark.
Anyway, I started the healing process in Alabastron, though the session on abuse was so short, I didnt feel I had enough time to process all the issues. But it was a beginning, 2 years ago. I still had other issues to sort through, including a porn habit I had been inducted into by one of those who abused me back in my childhood. I carried this particular burden for over 23 years, and was used to it as a part of me. I felt very guilty watching porn and all that, but it was a part of me, I learnt how to do it and bury the feeling.
A few weeks ago I listened to Pastor Andy, and the Word broke through to me. “God is stronger than any habit; any burden”. God is stronger than any abuse, any scar, any touch, anything. I made the commitment to take a year off (despite it being 2 years since I was in a relationship- I broke the inappropriate one I was in during Alabastron). And then, Pastor M was repeating the message, in his unique way, and I knew, this message is for me. I am going through my healing process. Its not easy, but God is stronger than all my scars, and His Grace is sufficient for me, sometimes, minute by minute.
Thanks for this incredible and timely message.
Also try to see a Mavuno counsellor.. I hope my two cents is of some help but keep trusting and depending on Jehovah,He loves you and longs to give you the desires of your heart!