Doing my head in

Generally I am as easy going as the next guy; just walking around, minding my own business, smelling the roses, being easy. Every once in a while, however, I am drawn into such a rage I wish I was Dr. Bruce Banner so I could unleash my anger as a big green monster.

Target number 1 - School van drivers

Anyone who does the school run or drives regularly during the Nairobi morning rush hour will have encountered a special breed of these characters. Usually matatu drivers who have received a ‘promotion’ these guys pack a van full of school kids and then proceed to tear down the potholed roads of Nairobi at 100 Kph. They swerve in front of you, they cut in front of LORRIES, they overtake around blind corners and regularly break the side-view mirrors of other cars. I want to grab them, shake them and tell them, “LISTEN YOU MUPPETS those are people’s children, the future of this country, this continent, this world, innocent school kids that you are putting under unnecessary danger to cut 10 seconds of your school run. CALM DOWN!”
I have started recording licence plate numbers, school names, time and dates of incidents and I am going to start sending them to the relevant schools. I hope they take some action.

Target number 2 - People who scream into microphones/loud speakers

I have no problem with the muezzin calling the faithful to prayer. I have no problem that he does it 5 times a day. I have no problem that this is a largely residential area but that doesn’t seem to bother him in the least. I have no problem that he uses a very loud PA system to get the call out at all times of day, sometimes very early in the morning. No problem with any of that. After a few years you get used to it I guess.
No.
What really really really irritates me about this muppet is that he SCREAMS into his microphone which turns the whole calling the faithful to prayer thing into extreme, very irritating, agony for any of us listening (including I suspect, the faithful he is hoping to inspire). And when I say he screams I mean he SCREAMS. The guy shouts and screams into that microphone of his so loud that all the dogs in the estate panic and start barking back loudly. This means that 5 times a day for around 10 minutes the whole estate is engulfed in the most annoying symphony of microphones and mongrels. I want to grab the guy and tell him, “LISTEN YOU MUPPET. The reason the benefactors of this mosque equipped you with the state of the art microphone and PA system was so you WOULDN’T HAVE TO SHOUT TO BE HEARD, CAPICE? Be easy man. Walk up to the microphone take a deep breath and do your thing in your normal voice, let the PA system handle the amplification that is required.” (If any of you think I exaggerate how terrible it sounds I urge you to turn up in Golf Course 1, between Ngong road and Kenyatta Market, just before 4pm today or any other day for that matter.)

Aii!