A random post on Kenya which may touch on politics

Wednesday, November 14th, 2007 at 8:43 PM

Observation 1

For one reason or another Kenyans find me tribally ambiguous. That is to say when they meet me they find it hard to determine which tribe I belong to. Many times it even goes further than that as people automatically assume that I belong to THEIR tribe. This has led to some ridiculous situations in the past.

For example, when I was a teenager, before mobile phones and txt messaging, back in the day when you actually had to go up to the door or – if we are being honest here- the back door (or neighbours door even) of the house of the girl you were courting in order to let her know that you were there and ready for your stroll around the estate, before you even got to her door, or even the gate of their compound you would have to get past the main gate of the estate usually manned by 3 or more watchmen, from different tribes, all of whom would hustle you for a little this or that as they know they stand between you and the most beautiful girl in the world.

• Watchman A would address me in Maa
• Watchman B would address me in kikisii
• Watchman C would address me in Kalenjin

Then we go to buy chips the guy talks to me Kikuyu; we head to the movies the girl selling tickets would unleash Dholuo and on and on.

In November 2007 this tribal ambiguity means that every once in a while an acquaintance or even a complete stranger will lean in and start sharing with me about how WE need to keep strong because THEY are after US. Or how WE are under attack from THEM and need to come up with strategies to protect OURSELVES. Unfortunately (or fortunately depending on how you look at it) when they really want to unleash the latest tribal conspiracy they revert to their vernacular language and I am left nodding away seriously (I play along because I am fascinated at this massive smoke screen of ethnicity that blinds our country). If you want to know what the latest tribal nonsense is just ask me.

Observation 2

There is a copy of a Memorandum of Understanding floating around the internet which claims to be a legitimate copy of that signed between ODM presidential candidate, Odinga, and the National Muslim Leaders Forum (NAMLEF). MOU’s have become notorious in Kenyan politics ever since Kibaki tore up the one he signed with coalition partners before the 2002 election days after he moved into Statehouse. ODM were quick to point out that the MOU circulating on the internet is a fake but honestly you do not need them to tell you that. I refuse to believe that whoever came up with this fake MOU expected it to be taken as seriously as it has. (If you haven’t seen it get it here - PDF 280 KB) (Thanks M4!!).

Section (v) of the fake MOU is pure comedy.

(a) Coast Province shall be henceforth known as Jimbo La Pwani.
(ouwwwwww kinky!)

(i) Impose a total ban on open air gospel crusades by worshippers of the cross in Coast and N. Eastern province.
(Throw in no preaching at bus stops and most Nairobi commuters would sign immediately).

(j) Outlaw gospel programmes on KBC.
(WOOO HOO no more “Brother Paul” and his fake sermons!)

(k) Impose a total ban on the public consumption of alcoholic beverages in Coast and N. Eastern province
(NO BOOZE AT COAST? Wololololololololo. That sound you hear is tourists downing their pints at Voi! Set up a Kiosk on the Coast Province border with a big sign reading, “Last Booze Before Mogadishu, Yemen, Mumbai.”)

(l) Quash the recent legalization of mnazi, busaa, muratina, kaluvi.
(How about Kumi-Kumi, isn’t Kumi-Kumi haram too? And Muratina was legalized? I did NOT get that memo jamani!)

But the best one, the absolute best one, drum roll please:

(m) Close down Farmer’s Choice in Jimbo La Pwani.
(HEHEHEHE seriously this is apparently one of the conditions of the MOU. That Raila would have to close down Farmer’s Choice in coast. LOL. No sausages in coast! Hehehe. Come on now come on!)

But don’t laugh too loudly. There are some people out there who are taking this MOU very very seriously!

Observation 3

Julie Gichuru is my new heroine, not because she lights up news every day, which she does, but because last night when she was interviewing the thief and crook (and parliamentary aspirant and KENDA party boss) Kamlesh Pattni on NTV about halfway through the show she looked like she’d like to do nothing better than punch the muppet in the face. She looked very irritated with “Brother Paul” sitting there talking about, “let he who has no sin cast the first stone.” There are two people in Kenyan public life that make my blood boil every time I hear their irritating voices. Kamlesh Pattni is one. The other is Kibaki’s Envoy of Peace, Moi. I do not know Julie’s political stance but I have a feeling she will not be voting for KENDA. And really it has to be said when you have Kamlesh and Moi rooting for you to win an election there must be something wrong somewhere.

Observation 4

There is an advert which has been airing on KTV during prime time which bangs on about, “wacha domo, fanya kazi” kiswhaili for, “stop making noise(in a time wasting kind of way), get to work”. The ad features no people. You have a black screen with words pop up. Every time a negative word crops up on the screen, such as domo in this context, it is in orange. Every time a positive word turns up it is in blue.

“Kazi Iendelee” is the official campaign slogan for Kibaki’s re-election bid and blue and red are his official campaign colours. So even though no one claims responsibility for the ad during the airing and even though it does not mention any names or political parties, it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out the ad is Pro-Kibaki and Anti-ODM. I noticed the ad because it is very clever and also because it is the first negative ad I have seen aired on Kenyan TV. (Because something is clever does not necessarily mean it is good).

Earlier this week as I was driving into work at the Ngong Road/Mbagathi Road roundabout I noticed a suspiciously looking characters lurking behind the car. Just as I was driving away he placed something on the back of my car. Again it was cleverly done in that it was placed just as I was moving away which meant that had I not been paying the man special attention I would not have noticed it, and even if I had the flow of traffic behind me would have kept me moving forward. Anyway I decided to follow the roundabout and parked the car further ahead to check what he had put on the car.

A sticker!

With the word DOMO written on it and crossed out (and placed upside down)!

Now I am as easy going as the next fella, but sticking political messages on a car I am driving without my permission in such a charged political environment is just not on. So I took out my camera and decided to go and have a chat with the gentleman in question.

As I approached him I noticed he was handing out stickers to pedestrians so I got a couple off him. I asked him what the stickers meant. He said the stickers were for a campaign. I asked what campaign (this is when he started getting nervous and started looking around). He said it was for a peace campaign. (OOOOOK!) I asked him if he was affiliated to any political party. He said absolutely not. He stressed this. Then I asked him how come his T-Shirt had the Kiswhaili word WACHA in Orange. (Wacha loosely translates as “leave it, leave it alone, don’t”, orange is the colour of the main opposition party the Orange Democratic Movement. Again the message is clear, negative words highlighted in the colour of the main opposition.) He did not reply and started walking away. I asked him who he worked for. He turned around and told me he worked for, The Electoral Commission of Kenya. Before this he was just a guy giving out stickers for a candidate, after that statement he was masquerading as an employee of the ECK on official business. That is a crime.

That is when I decided to pull out my camera and inform him, not ask him, that I was going to take a picture of him doing his work. He told not to take any pictures. I replied that he is in a public street, and claims to be a public official on official business as part of a Peace campaign for the ECK, why would he object to having his picture taken. I also informed him that he had placed his political sticker on my car without my permission and that posing for a picture was the least that he could do. This line of argument did not win him over. Instead he gestured to his colleagues on the other side of the roundabout and they started running away quickly, but not before I took a picture of the back of his t-shirt.

I’ve been timing them every morning since but they seem to have relocated. So if do come across them, let me know!

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