Beautiful game

Viewers of today’s feature presentation, The Massacre at Anfield 3, may feel they are watching a repeat of last years feature, which we reviewed on Mentalacrobatics here.

We would like to assure all our viewers that we at Anfield are professionals and thus will never tire of spanking Chelski in the Champions’ League semi-finals.

We would also like to point out to our viewers that it is not our fault Chelski suck. Like many of our viewers we are disgusted that sub standard teams such as Chelski are allowed to participate in such a prestigious competition.

We would like to remind our viewers that winning the Champions’ League requires pedigree, power, passion, panache, pride and a Liverbird on your chest.

YNWA

God really must be Liverpool fan.

Destroy Arsenal in the quarter-final
Demolish Chelsea in the semi-final (again) HAHAH ROTFLMBBAO
HUMILIATE ManUtd in the final

You couldn’t ask for a better end to a season

We’ve won it 5 Times
We’ve won it 5 Times
In Istanbul
We Won it 5 Times

We’ll Win It 6 Times
We’ll Win It 6 Times
In magic Moscow
We’ll Win it 6 Times

It’s only on Loan
It’s only on Loan
In magic Moscow
We’ll Bring It Back Home

Meanwhile …

From: Nairobi, Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, Kenya (NBO)
To: Moscow, Domodedovo Airport, Russia (DME)
To: Nairobi, Jomo Kenyatta International Airport, Kenya (NBO)
Passengers: 1 Adult
Cabin: Economy
Departing: Tuesday, 20 May, 2008
Returning: Thursday, 22 May, 2008
Price: USD 1936.00

WHOA - perhaps I’ll watch it on TV instead.

(Yo Nyiloh, this time it’s on!)

Congratulations to the Pharaohs Kings of Africa once again after beating Cameroon 1-0 in the final of the Africa Cup of Nations.

I was lucky to have the pleasure, for the first time, of watching the final of a major football tournament in one of the countries that was contesting that final. It was not planned, it was a complete fluke as I just happened to be in transit in Cairo between Istanbul and Nairobi. My six hours in transit coincided with the match. I walked around Cairo International Airport looking for a TV screen that was not showing the usual airport advertising pap and for a while I was scared that I would miss the game. How ridiculous that would that have been. Luckily sanity prevailed and most of the screens switched over to Accra as soon business began at the Ohene Djan stadium. Before kick off the airport staff were all polite and diplomatic when I asked, cheekily, if they would support Cameroon. Once the match began it was another story. Shouts, screams, hands in the air, fists shaken at TV screens. Yes indeed, football at its most passionate.

While I was watching the game I was struck again by the immense power of sport. Especially at international level. To put it plainly I sincerely believe that if Kenya had qualified for the Africa Cup of Nations and had done well in the tournament the violence that rocked Kenya would not have been intense as it was. Imagine a commanding Luhya player (the captain naturally) a towering midfield destroyer, passing the ball to Luo player, the creative and flamboyant midfield maestro, passing the ball to a lanky but lethal Kalenjin striker, who blasts in the winning goal cheered by his Kikuyu goalkeeper. The unity the players would have to show on the pitch to be successful would serve as a constant and real reminder of the unity Kenyans would have to show off the pitch to be successful.

This is not just sentimental hogwash. in the run up to the 2006 World Cup with Ivory Coast bleeding from civil war Drogba fell on his knees live on TV and sent out an emotional appeal for the warring factions to lay down their arms. It would be naive to claim that Drogba’s gesture ended the civil war. It would be equally naive to pretend that Drogba’s gesture did not have any effect at all. “All the players hated what was happening to our country and reaching the World Cup was the perfect emotional wave on which to ride.” Togo and Angola qualifying for the same World Cup in German helped heal both nations after decades of civil war. Beyond Africa as well there are numerous examples of the power of sport to unite a nation. Remember how the then new country of Croatia, which gained independence only 7 years earlier, played excellent football to reach the semi finals of the World Cup in France 1998 uniting their country in a sense of pride? Or how much the symbolism North and South Korea marching together at the opening ceremony of the Asian Games (although they did not compete in joint teams) meant to their people?

Sport and especially team sport is a democratic and universal symbol of nationhood which becomes even more important in a country like Kenya where most of the other symbols of nationhood are inaccessible to ordinary citizens.

Two weeks ago a special friend invited me to watch a preseason rugby friendly between the University of Nairobi’s Mean Machine RFC and Mwamba RFC, one of Kenya’s oldest rugby clubs. As with most preseason games the match was a relaxed affair played in a lively spirit. After the game the players from both sides gathered in the centre of the pitch and knelt together in prayer.

This is a regular ritual conducted at the end of many rugby games. This time, however, it was wonderful to see the symbolism of a united Kenya across ethnic, religious, economic, political lines.

Click here for a larger image.

Football is not just a matter of life and death: it’s much more important than that!
Bill Shankly

It is wonderful to read some different and good news about Iraq for once. This victory and the excitement it has generated is yet another example of the positive role sports can play in uplifting a country. If you do only one thing today then make that one thing reading what the Iraqi bloggers are saying!

Well done Iraq – winners of Asian Cup 2007.

See you in the World Cup 2010! Final: Kenya – v – Iraq!

Well done to Milan, worthy champions. Koppites, we’ll meet in Moscow.

The way Gattuso was wandering around after the final whistle like a mad man I wonder what he would have done had they lost again hehe.

Silver linings and all that:
The good thing about nights like last night is that you get to meet real fans. Sitting in Crooked Q making noise long after the final whistle was brilliant. People were walking to us and saying, “Didn’t you guys lose?” Yeah yesterday we lost, but tomorrow we will win, so today we will sing.
(By the way I have final found out the reason CrookedQ exists. Still have no idea what the point of JKs, Tamasha, Sohos etc is.)

Looks like the foundations for a official Nairobi (or indeed Kenya) branch of LFC Supporters club are all here. Watch this space.

Surreal moment of the night was being stopped by police with various Liverpool flags hanging from the car and YNWA blasting from the stereo and then being escorted, flashing lights and all, to Nairobi Safari Club because they decided that we were part of the Burundi delegation in Nairobi for the COMESA summit. HEHE. Yani one look at us and they were like bilaz these nutters can not be Kenyan!

I would post pictures but let me not push my luck.

Walk on, the Rafaloution year 4.

No one likes a know it all
Even if the know-it-all is always right
Even more so if the know-it-all is good looking
And especially when the know-it-all says, “I told you so.”

But heck – who cares?

I TOLD YOU SO!

The Mighty Reds of Anfield lock horns with Meeeeeeeeeelan in Athens in a repeat of the 2005 Champions’ League final.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again, the Champions’ League trophy is the most fussy of mistresses. She only lets a very select few battle for the right to call her their own.

Liverpool and Meeeeeeeeeeeeelan happen to be amongst those few.

Manchester Buccaneers and Spartak Chelski do not happen to be amongst those few.

Chelski: “we’re chasing a historic quadruple.”
Liverpool: “NO you are not.”

What a routine win, it was a walk in the park really, no sweat. Chelski have been crying all season about how they never get awarded penalties, look what happened when they got 5. Useless.

Buccaneers: “We’re gonna win the treble.”
Meeeeeeeeeeeeelan: “NO you are not.”

Hehehe!

As for the Buccaneer fans who had the audacity to come in here and start talking about history and “big clubs”, where do I even start educating you?

Quote of the day

“I guess when you’ve invested £500m it’s a fantastic season to win the League Cup.”

Rick Parry wins the battle of wits against Mourinho

We won it five times; we won it five timeeeeeeeeees, in Istanbul we won it five times!

It’s only on loan; it’s only on looooooan, in ancient Greece we’ll bring it back home!

Tonight for One Night Only
Showing at a screen near you

The Massacre at Anfield

A Liverpool Football Club Production

Directed by Rafa “The Gaffa” Benitez

Starring

Steve “Captain Fantastic” Gerrard MBE
Luis “Semi Final Goal Scorer” Garcia
Momo “So good they named him twice” Sissoko
Jamie “The Minister of Defence” Carragher
Peter “Crouchigol” Crouch
And The Koppites a.k.a The real Special Ones as the 12th man.

Prediction: Liverpool will beat AC Milan in this year’s Champions’ League Final in a repeat of the greatest game of football ever played.

In Rafa WE trust.

He’s BIG he’s RED his feet stick out of bed. It’s Peter Crouch! It’s Peter Crouch!
He’s BIG he’s RED his knees reach your head. It’s Peter Crouch! It’s Peter Crouch!

GGGGGGGGG Goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool
Crouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuchino!!!!

OK OK OK. OK!!! LOL. Aiii! A few weeks ago I made some pretty big calls in my world cup predictions.

My main prediction, that England would win, went out the window when Sven couldn’t make up his mind and when Rooney lost his mind. (Trust a Man Utd player to deliberately sabotage my predictions). The main reason I think England lost was they were too pampered – more on this later – if I can be bothered that is!

I lost that one.

However I did predict a few things that have come to pass

1. A team from Europe would win the World Cup in Europe – looks obvious now doesn’t it?
2. Brazil would get knocked out in the quarter finals by a European team – looks obvious now doesn’t it. (NIKE does not choose the World Champions Milo, MsK,stpdblessd, Mama Mia et al!)
3. The Netherlands and Spain would choke – looks obvious now doesn’t it?
4. Argentina had as much chance of winning this world as I do in making a rap music video swimming with dolphins.
5. The “old men” of France would rise again – although even I didn’t think they would go this far.

Observations from England:

In football terms England is two countries. The south and the north. If you offered football fans who support teams in the north a choice of either:

a.) England win the World Cup or
b.) Your team wins the League + FA cup double next season

99% of football fans in the north would choose the second option, club over country, every time. (This also explains the completely negative attitude many football fans have over the African Cup of Nations – not because they are neo colonialists etc but because in their eyes there is nothing above their football club, not even the English national team, and thus can not even begin to understand why anyone would want to go and play in a tournament in the middle of their club season.) Football fans in the north do not expect any respect from the FA for their team and their players. (Liverpool and ManUtd are such giants there is no way the FA could ignore them. But in a country where cricket players are given OBEs and MBEs for winning ONE series not a single Liverpool player was honoured for the remarkable run to the European Cup!)
Case in point:Bolton FC fans were livid that not a single battle harden Bolton player made Sven’s final 23, yet untried youngsters who play for London teams were chosen.

This also explains the whole reaction to Rooney v Ronaldo. While national tabloid newspapers are busy slaughtering Ronaldo saying how he will never be allowed to set foot in England again, ManUtd fans have been here again and again and can not be bothered. when Cantona went nuts, he was public enemy number 1 but came back with a break through season and ManUtd fans loved him, when Beckham was public enemy number 1 (after France ’98) he came back with a break through season and ManUtd fans loved him, same with Keane and the same will happen with Ronaldo (well expect for the fact that some ManUtd fans have been carrying some serious hate for Ronaldo for the past 1.5 seasons.)

Aii I have mentioned Man Utd many times in this post. Let me look for some Harpic to disinfect my blog.

Two whole days without World Cup football was bad enough. But two days without any meaningful sport is just terrible. Wimbledon looks bogus and the ODI between England and Sri Lanka was a foregone conclusion. I nearly watched golf and even contemplated a spot of baseball. Argh. Thank goodness for Discovery Channel. (Did you know all these years I have been confusing Nefertari and Nefertiti – in short I did not realise that they were two different people. It always used to bug me because how the hell did the principle wife of Akhenaten and mother-in-law of the Tutankhamun become the principal wife of Ramesses the Great? Duh, because they were two different people duh! I can not believe I have been living in ignorance all these years).

Anyway here are random thoughts on the World Cup.

Well done Ghana, but (there always is a “but” isn’t there) who the hell decided to play a high line of defence against the Brazilians? If a fat Ronaldo can break your off side trap it was time for plan B.

Somebody anybody please beat the Italians. These thugs can not be allowed to win. Beating Ghana dubiously, punching the lights out of the Americans and diving to win against the Australians, this team needs to go!

One Croatian guy was booked three times in one match but are referees allowed to book Brazilians? If they are, did they the referee in the Ghana – Brazil game get the memo?

It really irritates me when players celebrate after winning a penalty. You still have to take the penalty and score mate. Celebrate after you score the penalty not before.

It really really really irritates me when players look away or can not look when one of their team mates is going to take a crucial penalty. How chicken is that? How weak is that? Stand there and watch, watch as he walks up, watch as he places the ball down, watch as he takes his run up and watch as he scores or misses. I don’t care if you are the goalkeeper at the other end of the pitch. Watch. The one person who should be feeling nervous and pressure is the penalty taker. Not you, you no-watching weakling. I think I get this from playing rugby and leading a rugby team. In a rugby huddle before a game when the whole team clasps shoulders in a tight circle we were taught to look each other in the eye. Look every single member of your team in the eye. In turn. You look at you team mates in the eye one by one and you communicate that we are in this together, I will not let you down and you better not let me down, but either way win or lose we are in this together all the way. You never see rugby players turning away at a crucial conversion or penalty kick. Maybe football players need to start staring at each other stone face right in the eye before their matches.

I miss the Cameroon girls.

The goalkeepers were right this World Cup football flies around like a volleyball.

It is brilliant to see the German public display their pride in their flag and celebrating their country.

My nightmare has become reality. We have a quarter final line up of 6 UEFA teams plus Argentina and Brazil. The rest of the world need not apply.

Spain are muppets. They drop the over rated Raul and they play the best football of the tournament. They restore Raul to the starting line and they crash out. Muppets. How the hell do you replace an Anfield legend with Raul. Muppets.

Just how good or bad is England. It is driving me nuts. They play badly and win. Does that make them good or bad? At least Big Phil will make sure they get a proper test.

Now that Ronaldo has his record will the rest of the Brazilian team still be happy with him keeping his starting spot on the team?

And so on and so forth …

Here is the rough draft of the first part of the Mentalacrobatics plan on how to save Kenyan football because Kenyan football needs all the help it can get. If any bigwigs at FIFA are reading this and are interested in seeing this plan implemented I am available for hire for around USD 2 Million. A big shout to the fans at Kenyan Soccer now that is what I call dedication.

Here is the blueprint to save Kenyan football:

Step 1 – Acknowledge that we are crap

We have to accept that as Kenyans we are crap at football. To be honest we have to go deeper than that. We have to accept that we suck at football. This is vital. If we do not accept this we will never move forward.

For too long we have been masters at deluding ourselves. Every Kenyan football fan has a story about, “someone they knew in school” or “a jamaa in the esto” who was or had the potential to be a world class footballer, “if only the system had helped that guy out” we lament, “he would be running things huko Liverpool or Arsenal”.

The thing is this. Every football fan in every country in the world has a story like this. Everybody knows a childhood friend who could have been better than Pele. But guess what, they are not better than Pele. Most are not even close. We can not blame mismanagement and the system for all the problems Kenyan football faces. Countries that are at war, civil war, facing famine, drought, and hurricanes routinely make it to the World Cup, Kenyan can hardly make it to the African Cup of Nations. Even in the East and Central African Championship, a tournament we should dominate if political and economic stability was the key, we still suck.

Once we accept we suck we are empowered to start dealing with the problem at the root.

Step 2 – Restructure the top tier of Kenyan football, the Premier league.

Kenya is a nation of football fans. We are a nation of armchair pundits and experts. We watch and listen to any football on TV or radio and not just the big European leagues but any football. Last Christmas I remember people huddled around radios listening to the commentary from the final of the East and Central African Championship being played between Rwanda and Ethiopia at Stade Amahoro in Kigali. (A tournament Kenya was disqualified from for failure to pay fees to CECAFA.) Kenyans watch and listen to all football. But ask about the Kenyan premier league and you get blank stares most of the time. Not because they are not interested but because the league is a shambles.

As a fan of the mighty AFC Leopards I should be gloating at the problems our bitter traditional rivals Gor Mahia are going through. Gor Mahia, secondly only to the mighty AFC in the history of Kenyan football, can not even field a team and are about to be thrown out of the league. How ridiculous is that. We need to restructure the whole Kenyan Premier league and this is how:

a.) Learn from the European football leagues by disconnecting the national governing body KFF from the Premier League. Separate the two organisations. KFF should be in charge of the big picture and national administration that is football from the grass roots, schools to the national team. A separate body should be in charge of the Premier League.

b.) This separate body should be a registered company. That means it will have to publish public accounts and will be open to independent scrutiny. We have to be able to follow the money.

c.) Learn from the American Football, the NFL (yes I am serious). The NFL is one of the most profitable, well supported, well run sports organisations in the world. The foundation of this success is a golden rule which is understood by all the teams in the league: On the pitch they are competitors, off the pitch they are business partners.
Apply this rule to Kenya. There is no point, AFC, Gor, Tusker or any other team running off to negotiate independent shirt and kit sponsorship. If you were in charge of sponsorship at a big organisation which proposal would you look at seriously, to be the shirt sponsor of one team in the league or alternatively to be the shirt sponsor of all the teams in the league? There would be the same number of replica kits for each and every team available to fans at selected sports shops each of the same make and quality. This partnership between teams would extend to everything off pitch, training facilities, gyms, health insurance etc. our teams do not have the muscle to negotiate separately.

d.) Reintroduce regionalism. At independence the government ruled that tribal organisations should be banned. This extended to sports teams as well as political organisations. While I am not advocating for the return of tribe based teams I do think we need regional franchises. A maximum of three teams per city. So maybe three in Nairobi, three in Mombasa and one in every other town that wants one to a maximum of 15 teams. Each region will have a team. Those teams will benefit from an automatic fan base (remember all those armchair pundits I mentioned above? They would give an arm to have a proper local team to support).

e.) Remove the politicians and wannabe politicians from football. Easier said than done and this goes against the trend in the rest of Africa. Usually in Africa the more the political elite are involved in football, the more successful the team. (I read an good blog post on this recently but can not find the link. if you know about it please let me know.) In Kenyan sports the opposite is true. Cricket, rugby and athletics do not interest the political elite and they are thriving. Football is used as a stepping stone to a political career in Kenya and someone how we have to get that to stop.

Next part will feature grass root initiatives and the national team

Tomorrow Ghana “The Brazil of Africa” takes on Brazil “The Brazil of Brazil” in what promises to be a fascinating match.

For Ghana, the Omens are good.

1. This Ghanaian team has beaten this Brazilian team before, in semi finals of the 2001 FIFA World Youth Championship. That Brazillian squad was made up of players like Kaka, Maicon, Adriano, Luisao, Leo, Julio Baptista, Ricardo Oliveira all of whom are in Brazil’s squad for the match tomorrow.
2. Everyone who has followed Ghana over the years agrees on one thing. Ghana play big matches. In simple terms this mean they can beat Brazil tomorrow and then lose to Kenya two days later. That has been their undoing in the past and has made me pull my hair out many times. Look at this year. In the African Cup of Nations they were beaten by Nigeria and Zimbabwe and then a few months later they spank the Czech Republic and USA in the World Cup.
3. An unknown star always emerges in the Ghanaian camp. During the 2001 FIFA World Youth Championship the stars of the Ghanaian team were Boateng and Pimpong. A quiet midfielder player called Essien hardly caught anyone’s eye. Now Essien is one of the world’s top midfielders. Look for another unknown name to rise tomorrow.
4. Population Africa: 840,000,000
   Population brazil: 186,405,000
   Tomorrow Brazil are not only playing a country they are playing a continent. The BBC reporter in Mombasa was lost for words when he tried to explain the reaction in Mombasa to Ghana’s victory over the Czech Republic. Accra and Mombasa. Two ports on opposite sides of a continent united as one. Those 650 million extra African voices have to count for something!

Go the Black Stars!

For a quick look at the history of the black Stars check out Jamie Jackson’s informative article in The Observer.

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Best World Cup joke so far:

Have there been any sightings of Ronaldo since Brazil’s victory over Japan last night? I am a little concerned that the Japanese may have spotted him in the bath afterwards and got the harpoon out.

Mark Judd in The Guardian Fiver

If you don’t get it, you sad sad person, this will help.

Thank you Ghana x2 … Bring on those shady Brazilians!

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